@rockymomax

WIFE: I want a divorce

ME: is it because I switched our baby out for a better one at the hospital before we left

WIFE: what

ME: what

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@theyearofelan

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

@hyperblastchic

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

@CrissieC

I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.

@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

@lmwortho

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

@LOsepyan

Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

@daddyville

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.