Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
WIFE: I want a divorce
ME: is it because I switched our baby out for a better one at the hospital before we left
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the “Whoomp”?
Oh, there it is.
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.