I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song