Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Not all heroes wear capes….
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]