wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Florida man
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.