wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.