Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
🤣😂🤣
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.