wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
can’t bark with your mouth full
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?