First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment