Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation