wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.