@iwearaonesie

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

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@Mardigroan

*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”

@hello_saylor

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@copymama

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.