Society: Be yourself.
Society: No not like that
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*
“Hey, a little help here?”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.