wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You Might Also Like
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I need to update my racial profile.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.