WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.