Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great