Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
You Might Also Like
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.