wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.