they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course