Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.


My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.


In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.


“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers


WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey


Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.


I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.


Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.


Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.


“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP