@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

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@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.

@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@Dis0beyJay

Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password ex…

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@IvoryGazelle

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef