@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

You Might Also Like

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers

@_sinistroll

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

@miss_propriety

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

@TheBlessMess

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

@meganamram

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP