I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain