I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*pokes sex life with a stick
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?