Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Dead
Alive
Other✔

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

never forget

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I only say stupid things when I talk.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…