@ShutUpThatsWho

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

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@clichedout

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

@GrillinChillin9

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

@JoePetroske

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

@RandomlyMJ

Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.

@faizziy

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.