WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.