Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
True
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
This is true.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.