wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*

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[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes


Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.


I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.


5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.


Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails


Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.