First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”