I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
She: I like Cats
He:
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”