The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Wife: I’ll just have a salad.
Waiter: and for you, sir?
Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.
You Might Also Like
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Me: and I’m sad
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?