Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Wife: I’ll just have a salad.
Waiter: and for you, sir?
Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.
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Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Like 4 of his hoodies
800 thread count sheets
Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
CRABS THINK WE WALK SIDEWAYS