@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.

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@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@SincerelyMen

Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.

@jonnysun

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

@jctwritesstuff

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

@usermcuserface

Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.

@fro_vo

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

@CroweJam

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream