@dlsims01
Life is like a cup of coffee…
No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.
@TheToddWilliams
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
You Might Also Like
@dlsims01
@sixthformpoet
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.
@BoydPetrich
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?
@CantWaitToNap
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
@UnFitz
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
@JeffMyspace
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
@SondraDeeMe
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
@MooseAllain
Owl Sanctuary
@UnFitz
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
@InkedUpKidder
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”