Life is like a cup of coffee…
No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”