@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

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@dlsims01

Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.

@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.

@BoydPetrich

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?

@UnFitz

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

@JeffMyspace

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@InkedUpKidder

Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”

Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”