Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

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*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.


My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.


If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.


Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.


Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book


waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.


Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.


boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks


*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?


me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons