@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

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@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@LnL245

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

@AcademicsSay

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@LizHackett

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

@littlestp123

boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks

@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@BraandoCommando

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons