wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia