Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Camping tip: No.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.