@garrettbarry70

Wife. I’m going to bed.

Me. Nooo! Don’t leave me alone with the fridge.

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@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@dannynett

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@3_livi

Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..

@Chumpstring

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]