“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.