Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

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murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-



[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.



Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.


Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.


For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.


Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.