@tchrquotes

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

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@pilau

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

@parkersJoking

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@TheToddWilliams

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

@WilliamAder

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@Eden_Eats

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.