Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
guys i’ve cracked the code
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I came this close!!!!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!