Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

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It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”


Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.


what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom


After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.


Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!


Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.


My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.


A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.