5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
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It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”
Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
A long time ago….
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.