Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?