Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned