Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
dads on road-trips be like
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”