*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Warm pools make me nervous.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.