@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

@ShootyDoody

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@Great_JENetics

*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha

@ThisOneSayz

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

@jordan_stratton

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:3;}