Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-


Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

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I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.


*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”


Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting


I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him


Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.


[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen


3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.


Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad: