I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Me: what what??
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a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice