*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Me: what what??
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*updates tinder bio*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.