@wife3kidsnodogs

Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??

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@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

@Chalupanati

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

@samlymatters

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@ChipKellysBalls

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@robdelaney

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.