I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.