The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Breaking news:
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.