Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

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Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.


Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally


Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.


Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?


“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.


Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.


[drinks milk from carton]


“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”


An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.