My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I tried watching Annabelle Recreation and Jigsaw last night to clear my head of the horror I saw from Manchester United last night but they where not scary enough.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.