@ArfMeasures

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

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@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

@AllanForsyth

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

@AGStr8upNinja

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@daemonic3

[drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”

@Social_Mime

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.