@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

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@theshamingofjay

2065

*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”

@ericsshadow

WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you

@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@Arrogant_Twat

My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.

@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

@Tw1tter_K1tten

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.