*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me
ME: she’s a liar
WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?
ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
North and South
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.