Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.