Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.