I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: You’re leaving us.
Me: Also, why?
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
DON’T CALL ME THAT