Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*