WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
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When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
lmaaaaaooooooooo
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”