WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.


Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.


Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.


I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.


Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.


The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.


Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”


the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts


Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.


If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.