@blahdevivre

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

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@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

@Howiesbookclub

Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@TrueTorontoGirl

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@KeetRidley

If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.