wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
You Might Also Like
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?