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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.


Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming


Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.


Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.


I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.



1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.


Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.


This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…


I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.


whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”