Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Long, satanic walks on the beach.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?