Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.


[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio


[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.


Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh


[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?