Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Follow me for more life hacks.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.