Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Noah
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.