WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
mood
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
🤣😈🤣
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN