Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: *blank stare*
Me: A napkin?
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please
store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*