We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
This is a whole mood;
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.