@JWilsonGA

Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: Bacon.
Wife: And?
Me: *blank stare*
Wife: AND?
Me: A napkin?

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@thepunningman

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@NicestHippo

You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@sonictyrant

me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives

@pharmasean

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

@drankturpentine

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*