Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no