wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
japanese corn
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
can I use a minion as a tampon
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo